Let’s be honest, we’ve all read descriptions like ‘deceptively spacious’ and ‘well appointed’ and thought …. what on earth do they mean?

Well, if you’re as confused, perplexed and utterly bewildered by some of the descriptions in house for sale particulars as we are here’s Property Insider’s (very firmly tongue in cheek) guide to some common terms in property advertising and what they might actually mean.

For example, this:

Rarely do opportunities of this kind come to market.

Could all too easily mean this ….

Rarely are we as shocked, nay drop-jawed, when we walk into a house as we were when we walked into this one.

Got the idea? Good, here are some more:

Ideal for first time buyers and buy to let investors. No one who can afford anything better would touch this with a bargepole.

Well located in a popular area. We’ve added a bit to the asking price.

Well located in a sought after area. We’ve added a bit more to the asking price.

Well located in the catchment area for good local schools. We’ve added a lot more to the asking price. Although it’s a bit of a moot point really as there’s pretty much no chance of your kids getting in there.

Located in an up and coming area. Right now a lot of the people who live round here might be the sort of people you’d rather not live near. Can you put up with it for the sake of saving £50,000?

A traditional property. A dowdy and old fashioned property. Wow, look, there are even polystyrene ceiling tiles.

An imposing period property. Like damp, draughts and big repair bills? Great, this is the perfect property for you.

A spacious basement flat, ideal as a first step on the property ladder. Here in London this is what you get for £400,000. Up north they call it a coal cellar and keep broken garden furniture and old pots of paint in it.

Well placed for local amenities. The pub and the post office closed a few years ago. But there is an all night garage with a minimarket a few miles away.

On street parking. There’s nowhere to park.

On street residents’ parking. There’s still nowhere to park. But you have to pay for the privilege of not being able to do it.

3/4 bedrooms. There’s a pokey, dark, oddly shaped room that’s no good as a bedroom, no good as a dining room, no use for anything really.

Situated in an exclusive gated community. The community might share your delusions of grandeur, but the area around it doesn’t …. that’s why there are gates and a big wall.

Secluded rear garden, ideal for entertaining. The garden is small and never gets any sun. But at least when your relatives get drunk at your birthday bash the neighbours won’t be able to see the ensuing debauchery.

Offered with no chain and immediate vacant possession. This property is bad, really bad. But the sale will go through so quickly you’ll own it before you realise.

Got any others? Please send them in to Property Insider. We’d love to hear your favourities.